Est. 1997 · Comet-borne · Nonstop

FuckCommunism.com

We're fucking communism 24 hours a day!

Same claim as always, same cat, same comet. Only the page got a bath. Hale-Bopp has been riding it around the clock since 1997 — no days off, no weather delays, no sign of stopping.

See the counter Hale-Bopp sez

01 / The 24

Twenty-four hours a day, on the record

No “business hours.” No “by appointment.” The counter below has run without interruption since August 1997 and it is still running right now.

Shift active

--:--:--

Local time · the shift has not ended

Seconds elapsed: 0and counting
Days on the job: 0consecutive
Hours per day: 24not negotiable
Days off on record: 0none found

02 / The Mascot Speaks

Hale-Bopp sez.....

I know pimpin best!

01 / 06

03 / Doctrine

Everything the page has ever actually promised

ART. 01

Twenty-four hours a day

Not office hours. Not a wink. Twenty-four, on the nose, every calendar day — weekends, federal holidays, and the ones that feel like they should be exempt included.

ART. 02

Seven days a week

Which adds up to all of them. The comet does not orbit on your schedule, and the cat does not take requests.

ART. 03

Since 1997, uninterrupted

The comet came through once and the mascot simply never left. Continuity, it turns out, is the whole bit.

04 / Quarterly Report

The Ministry of Plenty is pleased to announce

Its figures are final, its figures are correct, and disputing its figures requires a form that is permanently out of stock.

Ministry of Plenty · Q4, forever

Grain harvest: 200% of target
Harvest, actual: Seed corn eaten
Bread in stock: Yes
Bread in the shop: No
Queue status: Moving*
Toilet paper: Reserved
Five-year plan: On schedule**

* The queue is moving. It is moving nowhere.
** The schedule is classified.

Promised / delivered

Breada queue
Equalityequally nothing
A better tomorrowa timetable
The classless societynew classes, same names
Power to the workerspower to one worker
The futurea memorial

EXHIBIT A

Scarcity, by design

Central planning reliably produces exactly one surplus: an enormous, thoroughly documented surplus of things that are not there.

EXHIBIT B

The wall was for your safety

Built to stop the prosperity from leaking out. It works perfectly — nothing has leaked out since.

EXHIBIT C

Freedom of expression

Fully guaranteed. Indoors, silently, about the weather — provided the weather has been approved for discussion.

EXHIBIT D

And it has never once worked

Every century, every country, every attempt, the same ending — and every time we are assured that this attempt is the different one.

05 / Case Study No. 1

Our founder never had a job

Karl Marx spent thirty years writing about labour. He did this, notably, without performing any.

The founder · financial record

Last salaried job: 1843 (briefly)
Status: Still between opportunities
Sponsored by: F. Engels
Sponsor's line of work: Cotton mills
What funded the revolution: A factory
Overcoat: Pawned
Evictions: Several, at night
Occupation on forms: “Philosopher”

Selected correspondence

DEAR FREDERICK STOP SEND MONEY STOP SITUATION EXCELLENT STOP SITUATION DISMAL STOP SEND MORE STOP
My surplus is currently zero and the landlord wishes to discuss it.
I have written 1,800 pages on the exploitation of labour. I have never been exploited. I have been supported.
To each according to his needs. My needs are considerable. My abilities remain, as ever, theoretical.
Please send the £5. Do not read the previous letter as a request for £5. It is the only thing it is.
A spectre is haunting Europe. It has my coat.

EXHIBIT E

From each according to his ability

Engels had the ability. Marx had the needs. It was a division of labour, and Marx took the half where nobody labours.

EXHIBIT F

The labour theory of value

Refined across three decades of not performing any labour, which is the most efficient possible way to study it.

EXHIBIT G

The revolution does not pay for itself

It never has. Historically it has been funded by somebody else — specifically, a capitalist with a textile business and a soft spot.

06 / Dossier

Who, exactly, is doing this

Name: Hale-Bopp
Species: Cat (domestic shorthair)
Station: Comet C/1995 O1
Credentials: Honorary doctorate
Known for: Pimpin, best
Shift: Continuing · 24/7
Days off: None on record

One (1) cat, wearing one (1) graduation cap, riding one (1) long-period comet. Has been at this, without pause, since the page went up. We have checked the math twice. Hale-Bopp declines to comment further, on the grounds that it already said everything in the bubble.